If you are a non-academic with an academic spouse or partner, it can be hard to support them. They could be away at conferences, working late to meet deadlines or they may even need to relocate. In the following article, I shall explore some of the best ways to encourage them and support them in their work.
If your partner is an academic and you are a non-academic, you might find that your days become very different. Your partner may work from home while you may need to commute to a busy office. At the end of the day, you might be craving for some time alone while your partner may need company. You might find it difficult to connect with your partner’s friends and peers because they could come from a different background to yours. Especially, if you have never completed academic studies, it can be challenging to understand what it is like to work in academia.
Your academic spouse might also need to take on some evening work such as attending conferences or academic networking events. They might need to deliver teaching in the evenings or stay up late to meet some deadlines. When going on annual leave, they may need to keep in touch with work every now and again. Their working schedule could be more varied than yours, including evening and weekend work. Your academic partner may be invited to attend overseas conferences or to relocate.
Develop a shared vision of the future
It is essential that you talk about how you envisage your life together. What are some of your personal goals? What would you like to achieve together? Often, couples rarely talk about their goals and how they can support one another. Having a shared vision can allow you to grow within the relationship and gain success in your careers.
Be a cheerleader
Are you supportive of your partner’s future aspirations? Your academic partner may be studying towards a doctorate degree, aiming to receive a promotion within the department or wish to receive professorship in the future. Whatever their aspiration is, your presence and support could make an enormous difference to their life. Do encourage them regularly and give them emotional support when they need it.
Schedule quality time together
It is essential that you schedule some ‘together’ time in the diary regularly (once a week or once a fortnight). You could take a walk, go out for a meal, travel to a new place where neither of you have been before, try a new hobby, just to mention a few options. It is best to engage in activities outside your home.
Empathy is key:
If you work is different environments, it can be challenging to understand the complexity of the other person’s work. You might find it helpful to try the below activity. Set the timer for up to 15 minutes and share what happened to you throughout the day. The other person should not offer advice or their opinion. Their job is to listen carefully and try to understand things from the other person’s perspective. When the time is up, you can swap roles. If you find that 15 minutes is too long, you could finish earlier. This activity will help you to open up communications and to feel understood.
Develop your support network
You need to look after your own physical and emotional well-being. You could ask yourself the below questions:
- Who can support me emotionally when experiencing setbacks (apart from my academic spouse)?
- What can I do to regularly recharge the batteries?
- How can I look after myself physically?
- How can I create a better work-life balance?
Lucy used to work in a non-academic role for a leading UK university. At the same time, her husband Rob was completing doctoral studies. In the second year of his studies, Rob faced a number of challenges in his research, and he even considered giving up on his dreams of finishing his studies. He encountered several setbacks outside of his control. Lucy gave lots of encouragement to her husband and reminded him that he should focus on what he can control (as opposed to what he cannot). She also made sure that she regularly recharged her own batteries. She kept in touch with her friends, took part in volunteering, and engaged in yoga and running. A few years later, Rob successfully completed his doctorate degree. Accomplishing things helped them grow in their relationship.
Ask what support they need:
Do you ever ask your partner about how you can help them? Often, we make assumptions about the kind of support others need. While listening to your partner’s challenges, do you tend to jump in and try to fix the issue? This can be frustrating for the other person, especially if they already know how to solve the situation.
Your academic partner might simply want a sounding board, let off steam or they might just need an ear for thinking out loud. At times, they may need an audience to speak about their conference paper. As you can remain distant from the situation, you can ask questions from different perspectives that can provoke alternative ways of thinking.
Help them to concentrate:
It is essential that you can give time and space for your academic spouse to focus on their work tasks. If you have children, try to look for a space in which they do not distract their father or mother. If you do chores that make a lot of noise, try to coordinate with your partner or do it at a time when they are not working.
Celebrate small achievements:
You would need to take the time to celebrate achievements. Have you been put forward for a promotion in the office? Have you received positive feedback from your client? Has your partner achieved one of their milestones? Do share with each other all the achievements, no matter how small or large. It can be uplifting to discuss all the positive things.
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